Skepticism was my first response to spirituality as a young boy raised by Roman Catholics. Skepticism was preceded by disdain and proceeded by intrigue. How does a rational being wrap their existence around faith and matters unobservable?
That was the beginning of my journey; what I thought at the time to be, the hyper-intellectualism of atheism. But science begs and begs for more and more, there is no end to the inquisition. The chasm between what mankind seeks and what he finds is immeasurable.
“I let myself loose from the old prison cells,” I thought but, I turned around only to be captivated by what I’d left behind.
How do such obviously antiquated ideas find footing in the 21st century. Judeo-Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Paganism. Where is their footing? How have they survived the ages of brilliant, “rational” minds?
Before I was 13, I had dipped my baby feet in the waters of buddhism, paganism, and even satanism. Questing incessantly to find the substance if there was any at all in anything ! That same soul of a scientist still lingers today.
A cousin of mind introduced me to Christ when I was 15, gave me a bible, encouraged me to fill my mind with that. And like a good student I did, completely abandoning my old atheist post. I was captivated by paranormal activity, supernatural phenomenon, and extraterrestrial activity; anything and everything that spoke to the origins of religion and truth. Now it was atheism that seemed remarkably silly.
Surprisingly, the Bible spoke to me in a way other holy books didn’t. I met the person of Jesus Christ, truly a Lion and Lamb. Everything He said found its way into the steepest recesses of my soul, the deep cries out to the deep. Even as a piece of ancient Hebrew literature, the Bible stands as a true titan, irremovable from the human experience.
I consigned my life to Christ one night in the basement of the pastor’s son during worship practice. But I was young, foolish and still headstrong. I read my bible diligently and was turned off to not see the beauty of the New Testament reflected in my church. So I left, to be a Christian on my own, and that is a paradox.
I regressed into old infatuations and found myself nesting in the doctrines of Luciferianism, the ancient mystery schools and Qabbalah. Like the old hiss of an ancient serpent, I was seduced with lies of wisdom and enlightenment. Knowledge is currency to a person like me. I became a more serious dabbler, reciting strange incantations and invoking the aid of deities whose name I had never heard of before. My family can tell you what became of that experiment. That was the first time I witnessed the Name of Jesus stay a .. demon I guess you have to call it.
I dived back into my bible, but the season wouldn’t last as I remained too arrogant to practice with other believers preferring a reclusive practice. I’d eventually hear that old piper’s tune and follow unabashedly. I read Crowley’s “Thelema“, the mysterious “Kyballion“, I scoffed at the Emerald Tablet literature and was immensely wary of Blavatsky’s “The Secret Doctrine.” I can recall laughing at the documentary “The Secret,” thinking how kindergarten sorcery is being taught to the masses. I knew my feet were in the wrong waters, but I was drunk on knowledge.
I dove in the deep end of transcendental meditation, encountering the “Kundalini”.. that bastard bit me. I embarked on Astral Projection which really woke me up. That’s when I knew I had gotten what I’d come for, and I probably shouldn’t be playing with what I have now confirmed to be fire.
I could go on, but this all eventually led to me making one of the most sincerest prayers of my life over 3 tablets of LSD on the absolute edge of what I can only refer to as a spiritual grave-pit. I’ve felt what is called a spirit, and then there is the Holy Spirit of the Living God. Whose mighty hand can stay the tides of a typically 8-hour acid trip completely clear minded.
You could say I have believed there IS a God since I was 15, but I was 23 when I started believing IN God. I’ve attended church faithfully since April 7th 2017 and was baptized June 25th of the same year.
I’ve been warmly welcomed, and well accompanied on my path. I have family, a purpose and the object of my heart’s pursuance. All that time I was pursuing truth having overlooked that the Truth has a Name, one that I now hold dearest before anything.